Why Pain is a Good Thing

What an adventure the last few days have been! Australia is, just as the tails tell, absolutely lovely, so different than I expected and somehow exactly what I needed. The people I have met are rugged and love adventure. They are wide-eyed and observant, they work so very hard and yet will stop anytime to give you their attention for a good chat.

Emma and I bought an old Ute, which is apparently a quintessential Australian vehicle. They say a man wanted a car he could take to church on Sunday and a pickup he could take his pigs to market with on Monday, and so the Ute was born. It really is an ugly piece of machinery, though everyone drives one around here and seems to think it’s an El Camino. In any case, we now have something to use for crashing around the countryside, which is both a blessing and a necessity.

I have resumed my battle with the insect population, as the number of flies in rural Australia are both numerous and aggressive in nature. I would probably be perfectly happy to live in harmony with them, except they insist on trying to climb up my nose and take up residence in my face. I like my face, and therefore have declared war. I have only seen one creepy-crawly creature to date, but I have received a few comforting remarks from the locals such as:

“Go for a walk. But be careful of snakes. ALL of them are poisonous.”

“All you need to be afraid of is snakes and spiders and… well, just about every animal.”

Comforting. So if I see one, I’ll know not to make friends with it. I think I'm becoming paranoid, though. A chicken was exploring in the bush by our porch this morning and scared the heebie-jeebies out of me.

We drove out to the old gold mining town of Clunes yesterday and had an ice cream. We got lost on the way there. It’s very hard not to. You can drive at least half an hour before you figure out you’re going in the complete wrong direction, because everything is so far apart from each other. According to Alistair, you turn left and "go" for while, then turn right at the T-intersection and "go" for a while. Well, “going” in Australian lingo turned out to be around a 45 minute drive, and we were soon befuddled and completely lost and had to ask to borrow a phone. We will learn how to navigate the roads in time, I think. We did, however, meet someone new, which I consider a plus.

Some other lingo for the day:

“How’re you going?” – How are you doing?

“Blowie” – Fly

“Knock off” – Get off work for the day

“Dead Horse” – Ketchup (food for thought)

In all this heat and the madness of exploring a new place, the Lord remains for me a constant place of rest. I’m not going to lie, I absolutely love it here, but Australia is not all that I was expecting it to be. There remains ahead many obstacles to be overcome, many hard times when hope and joy will not come easily into my heart. The newness of adventure will fade, and the frustrations and problems of humanity from which I try to escape I will find in the people I encounter here.

And sometimes, I must admit, I’m afraid of things not going the way I had planned. I realize that despite my protestations otherwise, I am afraid of pain, of lack, of discomfort. I shudder to think of anything that would harm me, throw me off the course I set for myself. I'm afraid of getting a spider bite, of going broke, of washing pig trucks for 12 hours a day.

Isn't that the way it is with us? We are funny creatures, building up walls around ourselves to block out pain and poverty. We build an environment around us that is only for us. This eventually proves to be our spiritual demise, for we ignore the low things of the world, afraid they will hurt us. Though many would skirt the issue and mince words, we are called out of comfort, out of a conventional life, and into a life that seems to the world unstable and irresponsible. And unfortunately, even if we travel far and wide and are put in strange situations, we still hate instability with a passion, whether it’s physical, financial, or emotional.

But it’s not about us. It’s about others. Jesus himself embraced pain so that we could live a free life with Him. He spent time with people who were in pain in situations that were uncomfortable for everyone else because that's what He wants us to do. I think to avoid being lackadaisical and lazy in our pursuit of life abundant, we need to intentionally expose ourselves to pain. We need to look and see the suffering of the world, of the people around us. We need to open our eyes to see the Kingdom of God, which is often uncomfortable indeed.

What kind of a person do you want to be? I want to live without fear. But lack of fear will not come with lack of opportunity, for we can fear for any petty possession or worry in our small universe. Lack of fear comes from embracing discomfort and pain and instability. It comes when you do not know who to trust but you look to the Father and trust that He sees you and knows your every need.

I am uncomfortable. But it’s awesome. It’s character building. And He is becoming more and more my Savior, the One whom I love, the One whom I trust. And really, I said I wanted an adventure. The cool thing about Jesus is that when you ask for an adventure, He'll give you one. 

Live a little unstable today,

Beth

An Indefinite Adventure

Ernest Hemingway said to write drunk and edit sober. The purpose of this, I assume, was to unlock the blunt, the hidden thoughts in a person that are otherwise covered by soberness, politeness, or political correctness. The world loved Hemingway, and I can only help but think that his truthfulness and brute honesty assisted him in making him one of the most renowned authors in the 21st century. They say what makes a writer are not only his thoughts, but his ability to explain them to others through language. Popular writers, I have noticed, have an uncanny ability to explain the truth in layman's terms, to define the world in a comical, brutally honest straight shot to the point.

I’d really like to be that kind of writer. But let’s be honest, writer’s block is a nasty thing, and I can understand why Hemingway resorted to drink in order to overcome such a frustrating obstacle. I sit here in my hostel, and it is very late. All have gone to bed, and I am left here alone to wrestle with my thoughts. There are many of them. I might have a drink, honestly, if I could, but I am still underage here in Hawaii, and I am a snob.

So let me start simple: I have gone on an adventure.

You may wonder why. Good question. It’s good for people, at least once in their lives, to do something rash and a little bit risky.  Something unexpected where you leave your comfort zone altogether and camp out somewhere between foolhardy and irrational. I am afraid that I am in a perpetual state of hunger for adventure and I might even talk a lot about how much I love to live in awe, but I have a severe character flaw in that I talk big and never act on it. Well my friends, I have finally put my money (future, comfort, etc.) where my mouth is. It’s been a long time coming, let me tell you.

It is becoming painfully aware to me of how much the world is crying out for the truth of Jesus Christ. Yet so often I offer Him a cold kind of affection! I profess to love Him and then keep Him at arm’s length, scared that He will invade my Heart of hearts and I will be forced to change, pushed out of my sickening comfort I so laughingly call my “bubble.” For as much as I profess otherwise, I love my routine, soaking in it like a bathtub after a long day at work. But the bathwater soon becomes cold and nasty and stagnant. And still I stay there.

So I guess this trip is me getting out of the dirty bathwater and really living. Emma and I are currently in Honolulu, Hawaii. We are taking a weeklong sabbatical before heading down to the Land of Oz for a while. By a while I mean 3 months to a year to we may never come back home (Mom or Elle, if you read this, please don’t panic). We will pick some fruit, drive a few combines, take a few road trips, climb a mountain or two, and meet a varied smattering of people. I am excited to meet strange people and stretch my idea of love. I am excited to learn to abide more and more in the love of the Father so that I can give it back to the people I meet. I am excited to take each and every day at a time, savor each moment and tackle each curveball with passion and patience. I want to show people the Lord loves them by the way I live. I will be humbled and knocked over and will be challenged. I’m not saying that it will be easy, but it will be beautiful. I’m not saying I’m not afraid, I’m saying I’m afraid and I’m charging full speed ahead anyway.

I see the darkness all around me, the world in all its glory and despair. The many falsehoods of the world are slowly made apparent. I used to think that I was alone in my struggle for purpose and passion, but now I see great men and women that I have put on a pedestal stumble and I wonder if they are just as confused as I am after all. I realize just how easily persuaded I am by smooth words, and, even more importantly, how easily I am lured off the narrow way. I realize that the greatest tragedy is not only that there is darkness and many lies, but more often than not that those things are cloaked in a robe of light.

All this begs the question: Doesn't truth need to be more than something we just philosophize about? Doesn't it need to be something that we seek until we find? For if we cease to seek it, we fall prey to the confusion that reigns king in its absence. In my despair over the loss of naiveté and blissful ignorance, I cry out, “God, what shall I do?” And He replies, “Abide in my Love.”

I hurt for the world. I hurt for the addicts that spend all their money on something they hate. I hurt for the children that starve because adults can't get along. I hurt for the prostitutes who sell their bodies to feed their children. I hurt for the broken. But I cling to Him, my King. I stand on the promises of His grace and mercy.  I need His Presence more than life and I seek His face more than all the treasures of this world. In the dread of fear and desperation, He remains my sure foundation and steadfast Lover. He is my dearest friend.

And oh, how He loves the world…

And that, my friends, is just the ramblings of a beach bum.

All my love,

B

Scratching Sparks

It is as if,

I had never known You

at all

when vanity calls

I am

At once

swept away

again.

And I hate myself

for loving

myself

so much.

If there is more to You, 

what am I doing

scratching sparks

on the walls

of my cave of

self

when You are outside

in

the

Glory.

B.R. 12/13

Dark, Doubt and Darkness (...And then Light)

The winters were cold. The cold was not the kind that was a nuisance, it was the kind that invaded your core and very bones and made you wish firewood were not such a pain to find. On clear days you could see the mountain looming above, treacherous and ominous, a silent giant. The forest was dark and cold. All sorts of strange things resided within its borders. On the dry days you could layer up and walk to the river, or maybe down to the railroad tracks. The snows hadn't come yet, but when they did, it was well known that no more strangers wandered through town when the roads became white.

But it wasn't the snows or the forest or the mountain or even running out of firewood that the people feared. 

It was the fear of no escape.

Some turned to alcohol. The drink tamed the dark, numbing the emptiness of a life without sunshine. Some turned to the drugs. They were everywhere, and innocence without knowledge soon turned to a stupor that lasted until death. But no matter what they did, they knew they couldn't escape.

Mother was sick. She couldn't write anymore. She could still make a pot of coffee and a sandwich, but the doctor said soon she would lose the use of her hands. It was becoming harder to remember the days without sickness, without the dark. They seemed a far-off dream, never to return. Memories hung like doors in the fog, facets of light that flashed before my mind's eye.

Swinging on the old swing under the oak tree.

Feeding the baby chicks in the barn.

Potatoes frying in a pan in the morning.

Mother playing her guitar and singing.

Sometimes the dark grabbed me by the throat and I could do nothing but gasp in desperation. The doubt cried out against the truth that sat deep within. I could not push the evil aside or fight it with indifference. The preacher man who came to town every month said blessed was the man who trusted in The Lord. But what about the things that clutched at my soul? What about the torment I felt every night as I went to sleep? I had searched everywhere for a place to let my confusion and depression flee, but I had become numb, lost in self and routine. So many hurts deep down, and I felt fear. I could taste it.

But the old mind could only last so long before it melted before the heat of the All-Consuming Fire. It is only love that can drive out hate, light that will drive away darkness, good that will overcome evil at last. And the battle was won when a Jewish man died on a cross many centuries before.

So I threw myself into Love Himself, for I knew in my very soul of souls that Love was the only way to be whole again. The darkness would do everything in its power to keep me from being free. But He was my refuge. He was my strength. When I started to worry, and my heart became heavy with the things that plagued me, I felt His Spirit gently calling me to come away. Once I started to dwell on Him, on His great Love, all other things started to fade. All other loves, all other dark passions I could run after, they would never satisfy me as His Love did. Only His love drove out the fear in me, only His love reached into the innermost places of my heart. Only His love set me free.

I once thought that the greater the fear, the harder it was for Him to conquer. The more something tormented me, the more He was powerless to do anything. But praise be to His Holy Name, the greater the fear, the more His love triumphs!! He is capable of removing any stain, any injury, any hurt.

I began to taste what life was like without the burden of worry, of vanity. And it was glorious, this freedom! He knew my heart. He knew my every need and what I hungered for. He knew every worry and fear in my heart. He said, "My peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid."

And I yearned to be with Him, in His peace. Because I was in love with Him. I prayed he would come ever nearer, that I would forget everything else in the whole world but Him. All He ever wanted to do was take away my fear, to dwell in me. When the doubt comes, when the darkness is overwhelming, it is His Love that breaks through.

The darkness was not gone from the sky, but it was gone from my heart forever.

Do not fear,

Zion, let not your hearts be weak.

The Lord Your God is in your midst.

The Mighty One will save,

He will rejoice over you with gladness.

He will quiet you with His love.

He will rejoice over you with singing.