The Losing of Beauty

"The steady discipline of intimate friendship with Jesus results in men becoming like Him."
-Harry Emerson Fosdick

In my mad dash from the car to the house, I catch a glimpse of the stars. Quietly, humbly, the Spirit whispers in my ear to come look again and stay a while. But I am just so tired. And I have to go. He does not rebuke me for my hurry, nor does He shout at me with a loud voice. But a lone tear slips down my cheek when horrified, I realize that I ask Him everyday to change me, and then run by when He asks if I will stay for just a moment. I fill my mind with what I please, and often it is on my terms and my time that I meet with God.

It is the minute I take my eyes, my mind off Jesus that I am immediately swept up in myself, giving heed to other distractions, other voices in my head. And how easy it is to listen to things that are not the Spirit, for they shout and clamor for our attention, ready to fill in the gaps with trash and trivial things. We let first come be first served, and forget that the best things in life do not crowd. We listen to the first things that come our way, forgetting that wisdom does not seek, but must be sought. So easily we can be sucked into futile thinking that is not of the Kingdom. We get distraught so easily! Into vanity, lust, anger, the list goes on. And one day we wake up and think, "How did this get here?" There is a dead feeling. We ask, "Lord, where did you go?" Our best life with Him is being lost by being crowded out. We do not deliberately lose beauty from our lives-- we are just busy.

I am extremely grateful for a warm bed to sleep in, especially with my latest adventure on the South Sister. Being up on the mountain makes you think about what's important to you, especially when you get caught in an ice storm unprepared. Sometimes all you want is an unplanned trip. We drove Brutus the Jeep Wagoneer. He doesn't have a speedometer on him, but you can tell you're going 55 if the wind whistles through the windows and 60 if the engine makes an unusual, grinding sound. We hiked for what seemed like forever, contentedly munching on prunes and jerky. Eventually we found ourselves huddled by a fire, contentedly sipping Irish coffee (we had let most of the grounds settle to the bottom. Yes, it was gross, but oh so good...) The fog lifted away from the mountain, and one could see the stars, moon, and distant mountaintops poking through the clouds. It reminded me slightly of the peaks of Caradhras in Tolkein's novels, like I was in another world. I imagined myself reaching up and touching the face of God, hovering above me.
Then it started to ice and gust winds at 60 mph. We were saved from the brunt of the wind by a tree we had camped by, but were not saved from little pieces of ice sticking to our sleeping bags, clothes, and backpacks.

Just when we thought we couldn't stand it one more minute and we were burning our last bit of firewood, the glow of the morning shone and revealed the treacherous work of the mountain around us. Ice an inch thick covered every tree and rock, white and treacherously beautiful. It was a slow climb down. The trail was slick, and there was something other-worldly about it.

There really is no moral to that story.

I think I just needed something rugged, something out of the box, something that would make me feel alive. I needed to get away from all the other things, the things that were tormenting my mind. We all have them. Not one of us wants them. How have we missed the simplest necessity of rooting out the things in our hearts that are hindering us from Him? Of throwing everything out of the way, the sin that entangles us and running after Him? He may be everywhere, but sometimes other things shout over His ever-sweet voice.

Blaise Pascal was a French scientist and philosopher. He invented the syringe, developed the theory of vacuum and suggested that it was prudent for us to accept a belief in God. His argument, called "Pascal's Wager," goes something like this: If you embrace a belief in God, and God exists, then you are rewarded for your belief. If God does not exist, well, you haven't really lost anything important. On the other hand, if you reject a belief in God and God DOES exist, then the consequences of your unbelief could be very unpleasant. In short, if you want to play the odds, embrace a belief in God. Of course, this approach to God is completely unsatisfying. It is highly cynical, and assumes that God will reward those that make the safe bet. It assumes that God does not want a relationship with us and only a contract. Most hauntingly, it sounds like the faith of many people I know--dead.

But the plot thickens when Pascal was 31, less than eight years before his death. He had a dramatic experience of God's presence. He jotted down these notes:

In the year of Grace, 1654,
on Monday, 23 November, Feast of St. Clement, Pope and Martyr,
and others in the martyrology.
Eve of St. Chrysogonous, Martyr, and others,
from about half past ten in the evening until half past midnight

FIRE!
God of Abraham, God of Isaac, God of Jacob
not of philosophers and savants
Certitude. Certitude. Joy. Feeling. Joy. Peace.
God of Jesus Christ.
"Thy God and my God..."
Grandeur of the human soul
Righteous Father, the world has not known you, but I have known you.
Joy, joy, joy, tears of joy.


I know I will not find enlightenment in any worldly thing. Not in drink, or in beauty, or in riches. Not in any man or woman or child. Not in security or adventure or comfort. None of those things can save. But you can be certain that all of these are found in the heart of Father God. There can be no other way to feel whole again, no. Let's go back to the start, to the foundation. I don't want to survive. I want to thrive. A day without God with me is empty, it is dead. Each and every heart longs for Him. Every nation, every tongue. What is it that binds humanity together? Desperation. A frantic hope, grasping for something worth living for. And what is this hope, this life that I have found? A treasure greater than all else, a treasure a man would give everything to posses. And yet it is given freely, something so costly. 

I want to crowd everything but Him out.

God of grace and God of glory,
On Thy people pour Thy power.
Crown Thine ancient church’s story,
Bring her bud to glorious flower.
Grant us wisdom, grant us courage,
For the facing of this hour,
For the facing of this hour.
Lo! the hosts of evil ’round us,
Scorn Thy Christ, assail His ways.
From the fears that long have bound us,
Free our hearts to faith and praise.
Grant us wisdom, grant us courage,
For the living of these days,
For the living of these days.
Grant us wisdom, grant us courage,
Lest we miss Thy kingdom’s goal,
Lest we miss Thy kingdom’s goal.

Walk in love today.

Love,
B