S P A C E

I walk into the driveway, the gravel crunching softly under my shoes. It's a cold night, the cold bites at the edges of my thick flannel jacket and nibbles at my feet. The stars are up above, though the fog has started to roll in thick. The silence is so dense I can almost see it, it's weight hanging over the ground lovingly.

I walk toward the house. The light that streamed from the old windows isn't bright, but mellow, golden, steady. I think that if it were to have a taste, it would be delicious light.

The silhouette of a window outlines a woman over a stove, cooking stew. I can taste the mushrooms and the venison and the broth, Little curls of steam twirl up, and as the woman smiles in joy, I recognize her: Mother.

This is my house. I'm in a dream, a long lost memory of what was once.

I run over to the next window, where I see what I know in my heart I would find: Father, playing his old Ibanez by the roaring fire, singing in that rough, wild voice of his:

All I am is music,
I've been that way from the start.
Just a whisper on the wind,
an easy twilight song.
Just a wandering spirit
and an open, open heart.
Sing with me,
All I ever wanted
was for you to sing with me
Throw away your fears and realize
That when you sing the mountains move,
the stones break down and cry
and the stars shine brighter in the sky.

"Daddy!"

I remember the first time the Holy Spirit came to Me, when He showed me His love in such a beautiful, tangible way. It was about one year ago now, and I was walking down my beloved railroad tracks. I was overcome by love from such a King, but the main feeling I remember even now was the feeling of...

S P A C E.

I could think with my own thoughts and feel with my own emotion, something I had always wanted but was afraid of being manipulated. My walls were finally down after years of being taught to put them up, and I could see for miles, stretch my soul again, and just sit back and... rest.

It's become one of the things I look for to know He's near. All the problems weighing on my mind suddenly don't seem very important anymore, in fact, not important at all. I loved and still love that place with Him... no obligation, just passion. No agenda, just love. No time, just this moment that is the most important moment of all... the moment of Now. That simple call of "Daddy!" And the sweet response, always faithful and always true.

In those moments of space I realize that nothing I could ever be or learn or accomplish could ever compare with finding Him, with spending my entire existence pouring out on the dusty earth, just to know Him more. Not all of my life is spent in these moments, there is always something pulling my attention away from Him, away from those moments, away from that place that changes my very mind to be more like Him...

...But I contend for the moments that I can see past my walls. I pray, I weep, I fight tooth and nail against everything that stands against me being closer. I give up seemingly harmless things that others enjoy without fault. I draw away to be alone for no logical reason. I lift up the things in my heart to Him even when my mind is clouded and there are fears and doubts running wild, knowing that as I give them up, He takes them away and I can see Him clearer. And I know that little by little, our space together will grow and we will be endless together.

I love the space I have with Him. It's my secret place. I will spend time there, make my home there. I will build a roaring fire and make bread, start to craft melodies and sing the words that He teaches me. I will plant a garden and grow flowers. I will run as fast as I want and dance like I am a child and dare to do the very thing that terrifies me. And best of all, I will love Him. And He will love me too.

May you feel space in your soul today.

All my love,

B