Thoughts About Love (In Honor of Feb. 14th)

We have to cherish the good and love the unlovely in our neighbor.

God's love is for all of humanity, and it's our job as His children and lovers of His heart to demonstrate that love to the world. Just as He loves the unlovely in people, he wants us to cherish those things. Just as He created each man worthy and filled him with life, He yearns for us to celebrate people and all they are. Just as He forgave us and cleansed us from all filthiness before we knew any different, He wants us to love people not when they deserve it, but before they deserve it. 

What credit is it to us if we love people who love us? Anybody can do that. We are called to love the people that hate us and treat us like dirt. It's true. We are called to love the ugly in people and expect nothing in return. To love not passively, but extravagantly. To not battle sin, but remove it. To win people over not with our morality, but with love. To be so transparent and forgiven that we overflow with the love of God. To live in radical love wherever we rest. To love so irrationally it tears the old man up, burns him until he is gone.

It is when we put love above logic that we allow the kingdom of God to invade our lives. 

Oh God of my fathers,

Oh God the Just and Mighty One,

Give me your love,

That my heart will give unto death

Consuming love that burns all darkness.

All my love,

B

A Relevant God

I think a serious problem in our lives as Christians is that we don't see God as being relevant to us. We don't let Him into every aspect of our lives, often remaining depressed, addicted, and unhappy as a result. We see sin, depression, lies, addiction, anger and self-hate growing in our hearts and lives and we just let it grow. Why? Because no matter what we profess, we don't truly believe that God can fix it.

But we desperately need a relevant God. We need Him not only in our future but in each moment of our existence, overshadowing every sin and struggle in the depths of our heart. It is when we believe the lie that we must suppress these things or somehow face them on our own that we fall. We cannot worship an empty God who is not doing, working, moving in your life right now, redeeming something else in us. I don't know where we got the idea that we have it all figured out and we're supposed to ignore sin and temptation in our lives like it's the elephant in the room. That is when we lose sight of the Gospel.

I admit it, I still have a lot to deal with inside this heart. I still fight this old body, this unrenewed mind. I still have deep-seated insecurities that I didn't even realize were still in there. But I am weary from holding onto things that are killing me slowly. I am tired of holding onto unforgiveness, the things I have hated secretly about myself in the depths of my heart. I am tired of the secret sin I carry around. I am tired of being an opinion-less body walking around without ever feeling His redemptive power in me. For I realize that I need to know that He is with me now, or I shall die. I need redemption from me.

So I give it all to Him, knowing He will remove it from me as far as the East is from the West. He died so that I may be free, this day and the next unto eternity. If He is the God of the present, than we must meet Him here, taking Him our sin and throwing it from us, lest it grow and slowly kill us, separating us from our one True Love. Paul says the inner man is, "renewed day by day." God is always ready to take whatever burden you need to unshoulder. He is the God of the now. The God of this moment. The God of the present. A relevant God.

You have broken the yoke of my burden

And the staff of my shoulder,

The rod of my oppressor.

Of your increase and peace

there will be no end.

You are a strength to the poor,

A strength to the needy

A refuge from the storm,

A shade from the heat.

You will take away the veil that is across the earth.

There is no darkness,

No death, no doubt

that Your Grace will not drown

In Light.

I will rejoice in Your salvation

from my first breath to my last,

For You have taken my filthiness

And made me clean again.

May the full knowledge of the redemption of Christ flood your heart today,

B

The Ridiculousness of Blogging

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. -Psalm 118:8

I claimed last time that every person, at one time or another, should intentionally put themselves in an uncomfortable situation so that their perception of the world could be changed. Well, I took my own advice, and I'll admit my perception's been a bit squashed. I have a chronic problem. I care way too much what people think of me.

I wonder if other people have this problem at this stage of their lives, or if it is only I, a natural performer, who hasn't completely outgrown the need to seek the approval of others in everything I do. Maybe it's that I like the story, the way my life sounds as it's written on paper, or rolls off the tongue or is posted on Instagram. Maybe it's that I want a life that people talk about and are inspired by. Maybe I'm just vain. But whatever the reason, it dawns on me that many things I have done in my life have been partly or solely for the sake of telling a cool story or providing a wonderful picture of my life to everyone. I never have lied and I rarely exaggerate, but as much as I try to deny it, I allow people to see the totally awesome things in my life, and then I just don't mention the other, not-so-awesome stuff. 

And this is a truly awful thing, because as it creates a society where everyone wants to be something they're not. They think they have to establish and maintain a certain perception of themselves to others, to "one-up" everyone else with the places they've visited, their unique choice in music, their level of creativity, their wit or their ability to come up with strange ideas to accomplish. It creates a dissatisfaction with what one has already accomplished and worse yet, creates a void in each person that must be filled with accomplishing things for the sake of comparing stories for other's approval. It sucks the beauty out of everyday life, and eventually, leaves us with empty hearts and an empty faith.

Each man and woman, in his or her own way, hungers to see the wilds of the world, to travel the lesser-known paths, to impact humanity, to offer light in dark places and the hope of God where it seems all has been lost. Who does not want to live a courageous life and be wise and compassionate, strong in all their ways? You want to have a life that people are inspired by. You want to have moments in your life (preferably often), where you can't express the beauty present, where you are rendered speechless and moved to tears by the Presence of God and the beauty of creation and His people.

The truth is, adventure is often unglamorous. Jesus' life was pretty sweet, but was infrequently glamorous. His approval ratings with the general populace were something like 2 percent. Dirt, arguments, and the smell of fish lingered around the people he hung out with. Life with God is often gutting fish, washing dishes and wondering when you're going to get to climb a mountain already. Loving people is often unromantic and is accomplished by keeping your silence rather than saying what you'd like to. And travel? You're usually really sweaty and you miss your books at home. The truth is, that everyday stuff that you usually omit telling anyone? That's real life worth sharing. And the moments that render you speechless? Put your dang phone down and just watch them happen. Carry them in your heart. Don't live them to tell them to others, live them to live them.

I am tired. Tired of writing, talking, singing, posting about my life for other people. Tired of wasting my time talking about my stories when what I should do is listen and be with the people I'm with in the moment I'm in. I want to live and breathe and move and love people from a sincere heart. I want to explore creativity, and write and draw and create. To sit on a high mountain and talk with God like Moses did. I want to sing like King David. But I want to do these things because a deep desire is there to do it. I want to live each moment for something greater than telling stories and maintaining the perception of what people think of me. I want a life completely independent from the world's approval and completely dependent on the approval of the Most High God of the Universe.

And that's why this blog is utterly ridiculous.

All my love,

B

A Cappa

Evening Walks

Eh, sorry to be parting ways with this girl for a while to go to work up north in the Highlands.

Harvest Time 

Christmas Evening at "Captain's Creek Paradise Point"

The Christmas Dinner Table

Sunset at Tuki Trout Farm

Why Pain is a Good Thing

What an adventure the last few days have been! Australia is, just as the tails tell, absolutely lovely, so different than I expected and somehow exactly what I needed. The people I have met are rugged and love adventure. They are wide-eyed and observant, they work so very hard and yet will stop anytime to give you their attention for a good chat.

Emma and I bought an old Ute, which is apparently a quintessential Australian vehicle. They say a man wanted a car he could take to church on Sunday and a pickup he could take his pigs to market with on Monday, and so the Ute was born. It really is an ugly piece of machinery, though everyone drives one around here and seems to think it’s an El Camino. In any case, we now have something to use for crashing around the countryside, which is both a blessing and a necessity.

I have resumed my battle with the insect population, as the number of flies in rural Australia are both numerous and aggressive in nature. I would probably be perfectly happy to live in harmony with them, except they insist on trying to climb up my nose and take up residence in my face. I like my face, and therefore have declared war. I have only seen one creepy-crawly creature to date, but I have received a few comforting remarks from the locals such as:

“Go for a walk. But be careful of snakes. ALL of them are poisonous.”

“All you need to be afraid of is snakes and spiders and… well, just about every animal.”

Comforting. So if I see one, I’ll know not to make friends with it. I think I'm becoming paranoid, though. A chicken was exploring in the bush by our porch this morning and scared the heebie-jeebies out of me.

We drove out to the old gold mining town of Clunes yesterday and had an ice cream. We got lost on the way there. It’s very hard not to. You can drive at least half an hour before you figure out you’re going in the complete wrong direction, because everything is so far apart from each other. According to Alistair, you turn left and "go" for while, then turn right at the T-intersection and "go" for a while. Well, “going” in Australian lingo turned out to be around a 45 minute drive, and we were soon befuddled and completely lost and had to ask to borrow a phone. We will learn how to navigate the roads in time, I think. We did, however, meet someone new, which I consider a plus.

Some other lingo for the day:

“How’re you going?” – How are you doing?

“Blowie” – Fly

“Knock off” – Get off work for the day

“Dead Horse” – Ketchup (food for thought)

In all this heat and the madness of exploring a new place, the Lord remains for me a constant place of rest. I’m not going to lie, I absolutely love it here, but Australia is not all that I was expecting it to be. There remains ahead many obstacles to be overcome, many hard times when hope and joy will not come easily into my heart. The newness of adventure will fade, and the frustrations and problems of humanity from which I try to escape I will find in the people I encounter here.

And sometimes, I must admit, I’m afraid of things not going the way I had planned. I realize that despite my protestations otherwise, I am afraid of pain, of lack, of discomfort. I shudder to think of anything that would harm me, throw me off the course I set for myself. I'm afraid of getting a spider bite, of going broke, of washing pig trucks for 12 hours a day.

Isn't that the way it is with us? We are funny creatures, building up walls around ourselves to block out pain and poverty. We build an environment around us that is only for us. This eventually proves to be our spiritual demise, for we ignore the low things of the world, afraid they will hurt us. Though many would skirt the issue and mince words, we are called out of comfort, out of a conventional life, and into a life that seems to the world unstable and irresponsible. And unfortunately, even if we travel far and wide and are put in strange situations, we still hate instability with a passion, whether it’s physical, financial, or emotional.

But it’s not about us. It’s about others. Jesus himself embraced pain so that we could live a free life with Him. He spent time with people who were in pain in situations that were uncomfortable for everyone else because that's what He wants us to do. I think to avoid being lackadaisical and lazy in our pursuit of life abundant, we need to intentionally expose ourselves to pain. We need to look and see the suffering of the world, of the people around us. We need to open our eyes to see the Kingdom of God, which is often uncomfortable indeed.

What kind of a person do you want to be? I want to live without fear. But lack of fear will not come with lack of opportunity, for we can fear for any petty possession or worry in our small universe. Lack of fear comes from embracing discomfort and pain and instability. It comes when you do not know who to trust but you look to the Father and trust that He sees you and knows your every need.

I am uncomfortable. But it’s awesome. It’s character building. And He is becoming more and more my Savior, the One whom I love, the One whom I trust. And really, I said I wanted an adventure. The cool thing about Jesus is that when you ask for an adventure, He'll give you one. 

Live a little unstable today,

Beth

An Indefinite Adventure

Ernest Hemingway said to write drunk and edit sober. The purpose of this, I assume, was to unlock the blunt, the hidden thoughts in a person that are otherwise covered by soberness, politeness, or political correctness. The world loved Hemingway, and I can only help but think that his truthfulness and brute honesty assisted him in making him one of the most renowned authors in the 21st century. They say what makes a writer are not only his thoughts, but his ability to explain them to others through language. Popular writers, I have noticed, have an uncanny ability to explain the truth in layman's terms, to define the world in a comical, brutally honest straight shot to the point.

I’d really like to be that kind of writer. But let’s be honest, writer’s block is a nasty thing, and I can understand why Hemingway resorted to drink in order to overcome such a frustrating obstacle. I sit here in my hostel, and it is very late. All have gone to bed, and I am left here alone to wrestle with my thoughts. There are many of them. I might have a drink, honestly, if I could, but I am still underage here in Hawaii, and I am a snob.

So let me start simple: I have gone on an adventure.

You may wonder why. Good question. It’s good for people, at least once in their lives, to do something rash and a little bit risky.  Something unexpected where you leave your comfort zone altogether and camp out somewhere between foolhardy and irrational. I am afraid that I am in a perpetual state of hunger for adventure and I might even talk a lot about how much I love to live in awe, but I have a severe character flaw in that I talk big and never act on it. Well my friends, I have finally put my money (future, comfort, etc.) where my mouth is. It’s been a long time coming, let me tell you.

It is becoming painfully aware to me of how much the world is crying out for the truth of Jesus Christ. Yet so often I offer Him a cold kind of affection! I profess to love Him and then keep Him at arm’s length, scared that He will invade my Heart of hearts and I will be forced to change, pushed out of my sickening comfort I so laughingly call my “bubble.” For as much as I profess otherwise, I love my routine, soaking in it like a bathtub after a long day at work. But the bathwater soon becomes cold and nasty and stagnant. And still I stay there.

So I guess this trip is me getting out of the dirty bathwater and really living. Emma and I are currently in Honolulu, Hawaii. We are taking a weeklong sabbatical before heading down to the Land of Oz for a while. By a while I mean 3 months to a year to we may never come back home (Mom or Elle, if you read this, please don’t panic). We will pick some fruit, drive a few combines, take a few road trips, climb a mountain or two, and meet a varied smattering of people. I am excited to meet strange people and stretch my idea of love. I am excited to learn to abide more and more in the love of the Father so that I can give it back to the people I meet. I am excited to take each and every day at a time, savor each moment and tackle each curveball with passion and patience. I want to show people the Lord loves them by the way I live. I will be humbled and knocked over and will be challenged. I’m not saying that it will be easy, but it will be beautiful. I’m not saying I’m not afraid, I’m saying I’m afraid and I’m charging full speed ahead anyway.

I see the darkness all around me, the world in all its glory and despair. The many falsehoods of the world are slowly made apparent. I used to think that I was alone in my struggle for purpose and passion, but now I see great men and women that I have put on a pedestal stumble and I wonder if they are just as confused as I am after all. I realize just how easily persuaded I am by smooth words, and, even more importantly, how easily I am lured off the narrow way. I realize that the greatest tragedy is not only that there is darkness and many lies, but more often than not that those things are cloaked in a robe of light.

All this begs the question: Doesn't truth need to be more than something we just philosophize about? Doesn't it need to be something that we seek until we find? For if we cease to seek it, we fall prey to the confusion that reigns king in its absence. In my despair over the loss of naiveté and blissful ignorance, I cry out, “God, what shall I do?” And He replies, “Abide in my Love.”

I hurt for the world. I hurt for the addicts that spend all their money on something they hate. I hurt for the children that starve because adults can't get along. I hurt for the prostitutes who sell their bodies to feed their children. I hurt for the broken. But I cling to Him, my King. I stand on the promises of His grace and mercy.  I need His Presence more than life and I seek His face more than all the treasures of this world. In the dread of fear and desperation, He remains my sure foundation and steadfast Lover. He is my dearest friend.

And oh, how He loves the world…

And that, my friends, is just the ramblings of a beach bum.

All my love,

B

Scratching Sparks

It is as if,

I had never known You

at all

when vanity calls

I am

At once

swept away

again.

And I hate myself

for loving

myself

so much.

If there is more to You, 

what am I doing

scratching sparks

on the walls

of my cave of

self

when You are outside

in

the

Glory.

B.R. 12/13

Dark, Doubt and Darkness (...And then Light)

The winters were cold. The cold was not the kind that was a nuisance, it was the kind that invaded your core and very bones and made you wish firewood were not such a pain to find. On clear days you could see the mountain looming above, treacherous and ominous, a silent giant. The forest was dark and cold. All sorts of strange things resided within its borders. On the dry days you could layer up and walk to the river, or maybe down to the railroad tracks. The snows hadn't come yet, but when they did, it was well known that no more strangers wandered through town when the roads became white.

But it wasn't the snows or the forest or the mountain or even running out of firewood that the people feared. 

It was the fear of no escape.

Some turned to alcohol. The drink tamed the dark, numbing the emptiness of a life without sunshine. Some turned to the drugs. They were everywhere, and innocence without knowledge soon turned to a stupor that lasted until death. But no matter what they did, they knew they couldn't escape.

Mother was sick. She couldn't write anymore. She could still make a pot of coffee and a sandwich, but the doctor said soon she would lose the use of her hands. It was becoming harder to remember the days without sickness, without the dark. They seemed a far-off dream, never to return. Memories hung like doors in the fog, facets of light that flashed before my mind's eye.

Swinging on the old swing under the oak tree.

Feeding the baby chicks in the barn.

Potatoes frying in a pan in the morning.

Mother playing her guitar and singing.

Sometimes the dark grabbed me by the throat and I could do nothing but gasp in desperation. The doubt cried out against the truth that sat deep within. I could not push the evil aside or fight it with indifference. The preacher man who came to town every month said blessed was the man who trusted in The Lord. But what about the things that clutched at my soul? What about the torment I felt every night as I went to sleep? I had searched everywhere for a place to let my confusion and depression flee, but I had become numb, lost in self and routine. So many hurts deep down, and I felt fear. I could taste it.

But the old mind could only last so long before it melted before the heat of the All-Consuming Fire. It is only love that can drive out hate, light that will drive away darkness, good that will overcome evil at last. And the battle was won when a Jewish man died on a cross many centuries before.

So I threw myself into Love Himself, for I knew in my very soul of souls that Love was the only way to be whole again. The darkness would do everything in its power to keep me from being free. But He was my refuge. He was my strength. When I started to worry, and my heart became heavy with the things that plagued me, I felt His Spirit gently calling me to come away. Once I started to dwell on Him, on His great Love, all other things started to fade. All other loves, all other dark passions I could run after, they would never satisfy me as His Love did. Only His love drove out the fear in me, only His love reached into the innermost places of my heart. Only His love set me free.

I once thought that the greater the fear, the harder it was for Him to conquer. The more something tormented me, the more He was powerless to do anything. But praise be to His Holy Name, the greater the fear, the more His love triumphs!! He is capable of removing any stain, any injury, any hurt.

I began to taste what life was like without the burden of worry, of vanity. And it was glorious, this freedom! He knew my heart. He knew my every need and what I hungered for. He knew every worry and fear in my heart. He said, "My peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid."

And I yearned to be with Him, in His peace. Because I was in love with Him. I prayed he would come ever nearer, that I would forget everything else in the whole world but Him. All He ever wanted to do was take away my fear, to dwell in me. When the doubt comes, when the darkness is overwhelming, it is His Love that breaks through.

The darkness was not gone from the sky, but it was gone from my heart forever.

Do not fear,

Zion, let not your hearts be weak.

The Lord Your God is in your midst.

The Mighty One will save,

He will rejoice over you with gladness.

He will quiet you with His love.

He will rejoice over you with singing.