To The One Who Has Been Crushed by Depression

Five o'clock brought my clanging alarm and the misty, dark early hours. I stumbled out of bed. The cat rubbed against my leg as I put the tea kettle on. Too early, Soxy. I wiped the mascara out from under my eyes from the night before.

The mountain loomed gray against the narrow strip of pink light in the east. I drove to school as the light slowly emerged, flooding the gray world in pink light. Here, the rain misted softly against the windshield and the wipers on my new car no longer squeaked. They slid silently as the morning hung there in expectation, waiting for the sun.

I thought about a year ago, about when my world seemed to be ripping apart at the seams. About when my heart seemed to die and its life sink into the soil, never to be re-won. I thought about the voices I heard in my head and the crushing weight of despair that some days wouldn't let me out of my bed, that took away my will to live and my motivation to love and be myself. The knowledge that I was an abomination, a horrible person, that I was guilty. I remember feeling separated from everyone around me, despite their efforts to understand and help me. I remember feeling that there was no way out.

And so I lost everything. I lost my job, I lost my motivation for school and quit. I didn't know how to cope with things that had never caused me stress before. I knew, somehow, that this resistance could turn out for my good, that I was made for greatness someday, but I didn't know how any part of this could possibly turn out for my good. I didn't even know what to call it, how to label it.

It took me the good part of a year to figure out how to recover, to create an atmosphere for myself that was safe and allowed me to live without the anxiety and fear that had crept in seemingly unawares. I had heard so many responses from so many people in regard to my "depression." I had heard, "You are seeking attention," to "You need to get on your face before God and ask Him to heal you, and He will," to "What did you do to allow this thing in?" I felt what it was like to cry out for empathy and compassion for someone, anyone that would just tell me that I was accepted for who I was, even with the things that I was experiencing.

The fact was, the word depression did no justice to the crushing weight of death I felt threatening me constantly, in the morning when I woke up to the sweet surrender of sleep at night. The voices that I heard in that season, both in my head and from almost everyone around me, reinforced my belief that I was guilty, deep down to my very soul. I deserved nothing. I was nothing.

And here I am, a year later, and I am healed. I have felt depression flee from me so far I know that it is never coming back. I have seen my heart change from being broken and full of fear that I would never be able to be normal again to fully alive and functioning the way it was supposed to. I have felt the Lord's mercy both in the midst of my fear and on the other side of my fear, where only joy lives. And I stand here, fully knowing that there is a place where depression is no more. There is freedom from the constant stream of fear that so easily overwhelms us. There comes a moment when all the lies that have plagued you-- sometimes for your whole life-- are revealed and you see the truth about yourself-- that you are made strong and powerful.

If you only knew how powerful you were... You would be unstoppable.

The truth is... nobody really has it right. Some say that depression is normal and is just a part of life. Other say that it is an illusion or that it is because of something you've done wrong to deserve it, Some say you should just get yourself out of it.

But the truth is not any of those things. The truth is that you are SO loved right in the place where you are. On your bed, unable to get up to go to work. In your living room, watching TV while every fiber of your being hurts with a pain that is so much deeper than your skin and bones. When you're unable to explain to your friends why you don't want to spend time around people, why you can't see them right now. When you are totally unable to see yourself or anything in your life in a positive way. When you look at yourself in the mirror and see worthlessness. When you self-medicate with alcohol, TV, anything to numb the crushing weight on your chest that threatens to crush your very soul.

The truth is that you've been misunderstood and judged for something that isn't your fault by people who are ignorant and don't know the effect of their attitudes and words.

And it's that you're beautiful, Beloved one, even in the midst of the bloody battle that you're fighting.

I just thought you should know.

The Mountain

I had a dream about the mountain last night.

 

Everyone saw the cloud that had crashed into the summit like a white train wreck. It hovered there, mysterious and beautifully fearful. I didn't feel fear when I looked at it, at least not the kind of fear that paralyzes your breath and reminds you that you're nothing. It was the kind of fear that made you feel very small indeed, but as if that meant something, to be small.

 

They were saying all around me, "Don't go up there, you'll surely die from the storm," and, "It's unpredictable and you don't know what you'll encounter up there." "It's dangerous."

 

But I knew, compellingly and assuredly, that I had to go.

 

North and Middle Sisters (Faith and Hope) from the Summit

 

 

I thought, as I drove up the pass, that if I hadn't met the man Jesus and become so compelled by Him that I gave Him all my dreams, I would have probably ended up spending a majority of my life on a mountain. It was something with which I could become obsessed with little to no effort. It made me feel alive.

 

The last 1500 feet of the climb, from the false summit was as steep as you could get without having to technical climb. It was all tallis, and while the dog sprang up the incline with ease, I was stopping every ten sliding steps and trying to get some oxygen into my body. I looked up at the summit, her massive form red and I felt my own weakness speak against me. "You don't have enough strength." But I had waited too long to stop this close to conquering her. This wasn't just a climb to test my strength of body or will... this was hand-to-hand combat with my fear.

 

Broken Top from the Summit

 

 

I knew now that all my longing for the mountains, all my reaching for wildness and freedom that I found in the high places, they were just shadows of the longing that I had for Him. And really, I could spend all my life, all my passion and energy trying to conquer the mighty ones of the earth, to try and get a little bit closer to the heavens, to really feel something in my chest other than the numbness that the world is so familiar with. But I knew now, somehow, that if I pursued my love of the wild, if I gave myself to pursuing the beauty of the earth and of my God manifested in His creation, then in the end I would come up short. I would have lost it all, but for nothing.

 

Mt Bachelor from the False Summit

 

Descending the Mountain (and very tired)

 

 

Really, what I have always been searching for is Him. To seek Him, to give Him my dreams that I hold in my heart, to seek not beauty but the Source of it, that had become everything. Of course I still love the mountains. I love them deeply. But they are now the lower forms of beauty, the higher forms those which can only be touched with an experience of the heart.

 

When my eyes are opened and I am like a blind man seeing men like trees for the first time, I can see that the thing I was searching for in the dark was actually Light. I can see that He becomes everything, higher and wider of a love than I ever knew existed before.

 

Teardrop Lake (The highest lake in Oregon).

 

 

It's true I have longing, dreams, things I want to do while I'm on the earth. I want to make my mark. I want to live breathlessly and without regret. Our dreams aren't worthless. They all cost us something. We spend endless hours thinking about them, pouring over them, loving them, speaking kind words to them.

 

Sometimes, they are the most precious things we dreamers have.

 

But let it cost me something to lay my life at His feet. Let my jar of perfume break over His feet and let the extravagance of my dreams fill the room, not cheap trinkets that I didn't want anyway. Let my sacrifice be left on Him as a fragrance, a reminder of a life broken and poured out, a sacrifice that cost me something.

 

This month I finally climbed my mountain. It's funny, really, because I feel as if it's the start of a time of many more mountains being conquered... not all of them with snow and a 4,600 foot incline.

 

"This is the season," I thought as I stepped onto the crater of the summit, "for courage."

 

At the summit

 

 

 

 

 

Healing

Sometimes life doesn't feel like an exciting adventure. Sometimes it just feels like a bloody battle that you'll be lucky to survive with all your limbs intact.

Sometimes family members aren't perfect. Sometimes they change and aren't able to function like they used to. Sometimes depression and addiction and other not-perfect things show up and we can't ignore them. Sometimes all your fancy spirituality and knowledge about God's love turns into one word: stay.

I knew depression has had some say in my family in the past, but when it struck my father and then tried to wrap it's sticky claws around me, I found my fight and I didn't relent until victory came. I still haven't. There's no other option.

When I leave for work in the wee hours of the morning, I can see them through a crack in their bedroom door. He used to get up before me, in the old days. Now he sleeps longer and longer. I do care, you know. I care too much. Is that allowed? I don't know. Momma says someday that when I have babies, I'll find a new kind of strength. I hope so.

Something happened to me two weeks ago. I don't know what it was, but I felt the heaviness of an orphan lift off my shoulders and a new time come upon me...almost as if I couldn't have helped but step into it.

It's as if the lens flipped and I was staring at everything I once hated as disappointing and bitter as beautiful. I saw the people I once feared as my destiny. I went for a walk yesterday and I could see the sun, like they way you see something and see it with all your senses. I smelled the color on the wheat and I tasted the air that was filled with tangy sweetness. I saw everything, but no fear entered my chest. I looked for signs of my old friend Fear, but all I saw were roses. They tinted the lenses of my eyes so that they saw everything new, and my mind thought only good thoughts, ones that made me feel as if life wasn't only a bloody battle to be fought, but a slow dance to be savored, a rich fullness that demanded to be tasted.

Worship School is finally finished and I have at last returned home from Redding. To be honest, I'm not sure where to start.  How to explain a whole year's worth of pain, years worth of pain erased from my heart as I look into the face of the One who truly knows and loves me. So much torment that has bruised and battered my heart left when God somehow took my old heart and replaced it completely with a new heart. All the things that have been running circles in my mind, things that made me sure I was crippled enough to never walk properly again, they all melted away as I lay in front of the King.

And I'll say it. I'm a believer in healing.

And how could I not? I have seen it. I have beheld things that don't make sense, that didn't make sense to me until they manifested themselves right in front I'd my face. I have seen my prayers happen. I have seen the impossible. I have seen my own heart made new again by the love of my God, who has never left me, not once, not even in the middle of my deepest torment when I couldn't see or feel Him.

So...

Life sometimes feels like a bloody battle. It sometimes feels like there's no way out. But I have seen the eyes of the One who loves me. I have heard His call in my heart. And I know that there is healing for all who are sick. I know that the despair that comes isn't meant to last. I know that He is for me. And I know that He came for me and delivered me from all my enemies.

And whatever your enemy may be, He will do the same for you.

Take courage, dear heart.

The Change Of Season

I can't believe it.

It's been over three years since I've started this blog.

When I began to write, I was full of girlish insecurities, restless wanderings, pain that I never thought was curable. I wrote to process, to find out what was going on inside of my poor heart that I was completely out of touch with. I wrote to seek, look for something I knew I wanted but couldn't quite express.

I travelled to Australia because I felt the distant call to go, somehow, though I didn't know why.
I found and left the best family I've known in the eastern suburbs of Sydney.
My heart broke when I let go of that season.
I came back and have traversed many paths available to me, including music, nursing school, worship leading, and retail work (my least favorite by far).
I've moved to Portland and then back to the place I started, Monmouth.

As I write this, it is becoming apparent to me that everything will soon change again for me. The finances to continue in nursing aren't coming in, and I feel the Lord gently day that it's ok, that He has something much more incredible planned than I could ever plan for myself. Do I know what the next step is? Absolutely not. Am I worried? No. I feel His hand in my life and I trust Him, even as He shuts doors.

As if it were perfect timing, Amanda and I are leaving in 24 hours to go to Redding, CA for worship school at Bethel Church. I don't know if I will ever really come back to this place. It feels different, this time. As if my heart will forever rest in another place. Like the time is shifting, and I must be swept along with Him or be left behind. I feel as if this is the last post I will write from an old mind, as if I will be reborn, am already being reborn as I write these words.
So many things are revealing themselves in my heart. Truly, there is something great coming for those who have asked for it.

I write these words a woman. I don't know when it happened, but these pages hold the transformation from a starry eyed girl to a clear eyed woman. Not that I don't experience heartache or confusion, but I can see that even in the worst of pain, God is good, and more than that, He is in love with me. Me! Of all the crazy things to realize...

Thank you for sticking with me on this journey. I cannot wait to see where the next month will take me, and I am excited and expectant for what's to come.

First Love Part 1

I thought that He was dead.

See, it had just been so long since I had heard from Him. Months. Years, even, but I have forgotten now what the former days were like. Some memories shine brighter than others, but the ones that glow with truth are the ones with Him.

Running together in the field. Laughing until tears rolled down our cheeks and we couldn't breathe. Singing songs of love, first me to Him, and then Him to me. Sitting by the fire in the dead of night.

But those things had faded along the way, somehow, and I was left only with a shadow of Him. He didn't say He was going away, I just woke up one morning and He wasn't there.

And that was the day Fear came to live here instead.

Fear was a bitter friend. I tried everything I knew how to make him leave. I tried shouting at him, cursing him, pleading for my life, but he would not leave, and I conceded that perhaps he was meant to live with me for a reason, to grow my desire for my Love, perhaps. But instead, my desire began to wither and my heart began to forget what Love looked and felt like.

I wrote to my Love. I pleaded with Him to come back, to tell me where He had gone and why He had left me. I wondered if my love had been too weak to make Him stay. I wondered what I had done to make Him go. He was all I could think about, but He seemed distant, a memory that became more foggy as the days passed.

People would come to my house and ask me why I didn't just tell Fear to go, if I didn't like him so much. They said that maybe it was a blessing in disguise, being able to live with someone instead of being alone. I told myself I would rather be alone, would rather die than live one more day like this.

Sometimes people were kind, and would bring me letters from my Love. They did not tell me anything about where He had gone or why He had left. They just handed them to me with tears in their eyes, as if they had seen Him.

All He spoke of in the letters was our love. I would weep as I read them, as my heart was torn with longing for Him, and would keep them in a box above my fireplace. He only said He loved me so much He couldn't take it. He said He longed for me like all the longing of all the lovers in all of history combined. He said that He couldn't wait for the next time we could be together, that He could hold me in His arms.

The days turned into months. I had forgotten that He was good, the highest form of beauty.

The months turned into years. I had forgotten He was alive. He had become a shadow of the past in my head, a fantasy, they said. They said He wasn't coming back, that He had more important things to do.

One day Fear hit me, a crisp blow that left a clear bruise on the skin just beneath my collarbone. Carefully concealed from all eyes. Just where my heart rested beneath my ribs.

I left that morning. I walked out the front door with the coffee pot boiling on the stove and the fire in the fireplace. I didn't even bring my jacket. Anything was better than this. Death was better.

I knew I would die in the wilderness. I knew that I would. But I would die a worse death without love.

And I started walking.

A voice flickered like candlelight across the face of a the waters in my mind. Come and find me, it said.

I dismissed it and kept walking.

Messages to Mr. Brian Stoltzfus (A memoir by Jim Reams)

Hurry! Make haste!
Dust the mats! Sweep the floor!
Put on the kettle on for tea!
The Golden Man is coming!
Did you not see Him walking down the road?
Flowers sprung into blossom as He passed by,
And all darkness fled before His face.
And I knew.
I knew He was coming here,
To this place.

I had only time to arrange the chairs, and put on a good shirt, and there He was.
We sat together, He and I.
He did not speak with words. He did not need to. One glance into His eyes, into His shining countenance which was like deep well of golden light, and I knew all things.
I found myself stammering and babbling like a child, but He did not seem to mind. I wept, and knelt at His feet, and touched them. It did not feel strange to me. It felt like home.
There were deep scars, but they were pink, like roses, and beautiful, like new life. And The Golden Man, Jesus, laid His hand on my head. I wad broken, re-made all in an instant.
Then He was gone. Yet His peace still lingers. But He is coming your way! Be ready! You can see Him from a long, long way. A great host of swallows, and butterflies is following Him.
And music! Yes.
The whole earth had broken into song.

«««»»»

Did He come? Did you speak to Him?
I feel sure He will visit you soon. Listen for the quiet knock on your door. Leave your front gate open.

«««»»»

It's all coming back to me now. I was in a state of shock there for a while. Blundering blindly into bliss, you might say. Ha ha!
But it was Him, alright.
The same Jesus I met when I was a young man, except even more glorious.
But I had forgotten His face. I had forgotten what His Presence felt like. I had forgotten that He is holy.
Seriously though, Stoltzfus, I was expecting the Grim Reaper. I have not been feeling very permanent lately. Stomach problems. Fatigue. I was scared.

But instead, here comes the Golden Man, strolling into our driveway. When He touched me, I was healed of many things.
I mean, I think so. He certainly has the power. It's just that now, death and sickness don't really matter. Being with Him is what matters.

«««»»»

Sorry, Brian, I know I'm babbling, but there's more to it.
I had let the world beat me down until I lost hope. I was ashamed of Christ.
Not because He is not true, but because I was not true. I listened to the song of the world, and believed that I was useless. I once set out to change the world, to make it a better place, but the world had fangs. It had destroyed me.

«««»»»

Sorry to keep rambling on, but here's the thing, Stoltzfus: He did speak, came to think of it. You may think I am crazy, insane; but if so, then I much prefer this insanity to the cold logic of the world.

But as I knelt, and touched His feet, He said,
"Satan has desired to sift thee like wheat, but I prayed for thee..."

That really got to me! Sift me? The evil one had kicked my ass up and down the block! But He prayed for me? The very Son of God prayed for me?!

«««»»»

But He was really here! Just come over some time and sit in that chair, and we can have coffee, or beer. He was sitting in that lawn chair you sold me, the one with the yellow cushion. You can still feel Him if you sit there. Peace from the Golden Man.

«««»»»

What, Brian?
No, He wasn't really golden, like the statue of the Golden Logger on the capitol building. That is just the impression left on the mind. You know how scientists say that you don't really see things as they are, but you only see the various light waves reflecting off of them?
So then you say that the grass is green and sky is blue. I guess that's how it works with Him. The writers of the bible were always using words like golden, crystal, adamant. Now I see why.

«««»»»

Yes. Of course everyone is saying I'm crazy. I've gone off of the deep end. Well, they are mistaken. The only time I have ever been of sound mind is when I walked with Jesus.
And I'm not afraid of them anymore. He took away my fear. I want to sit at His feet again, soon.

«««»»»

I respect your opinion, of course Stolzfus, but the Truth is the Truth. I'm through with denying Him. I still suggest that you leave your gate open in case He knocks on your door.

«««»»»

Well, I had also forgotten the message that God gave me to sing in my youth. Jesus Christ is coming back! He will judge all things in righteousness. Just keep this in mind, Brian:
If the love of God is so deep and powerful, and amazing, what must His wrath be like?
Anyway, He's the only reason I'm writing you. I haven't written in months. Come to think of it, Stoltzfus, the only reason I ever did anything creative was because of Jesus Christ.

«««»»»

If you really think I'm insane, why do you keep writing back to me? Not that I mind. Yes. I waited for Him every day for a week, but did not see Him, until I was driving to town. He was walking along the highway. A rainbow halo followed Him.
I could not believe that the Golden Man, Christ, the Son of God would condescend to ride in my dirty old Jeep. But He did. I was afraid to look at Him; but for the first time in years, I actually enjoyed driving!

Yes. I didn't care how many cars were rudely tailgating me. I didn't care that I was out of place in this world. I sat up a little straighter in the Jeep seat.

He was with me.
He had always been with me.

Sincerely, Your Single Friend

Dear dating/engaged/married friend,

I am writing you this letter to tell you a little of what my heart is feeling about the time of life that we're in...er... rather, the time if life that you're in. Please have patience with me, this isn't easy to open up about. The heart is  so tender, and mine is just adjusting to the changes that have happened lately.

Last weekend I saw one of my oldest friends walk down the aisle and pledge her love and life to the man who she will share her forever with. She was radiant, brilliant in beauty and grace. I cried (because, of COURSE it was the most moving thing to see one of my dearest friends blossom into a woman). I danced. I celebrated. I thought about all our history together. The late nights talking about our futures, the tears of broken hearts, the laughter of discovering love. And now, there I was, watching it all unfold before my very eyes... the future.

And then this morning it hit me.

All of my friends are in relationships.

I can see my mother roll her eyes and say, "Don't exaggerate, honey, not all your friends."

...Yep, pretty much every single one.

Don't worry, this isn't an embarrassing rant about being single. Because, see, I'm not really so focused on that particular aspect of this stage of life.

This is a revelation that time truly is changing for me...for both of us.

See, I'm not worried so much that I'll miss out on having a relationship. What actually puts fear in me is watching those I have grown closest to in my life move on, and not be able to understand them anymore. My fear is watching you fall in love, get married, have babies, become a wife and mother, and not be able to relate to you anymore. To grow distant not by choice, but just from life. To not be able to talk about the things we used to chatter on about all day. To not be able to offer help or advice because I just plain don't know. To feel distant. To feel different. To feel like I'm not needed anymore.

It's not a man in my life I miss, you see. It's the days when I knew I was needed by my friends. When I knew we would always relate because I knew we'd always be in the same stage of life at the same time. To feel like comrades in the thick of battle, not like an outsider standing in the sidelines while everyone else gets to play the game.

So be patient with me, my dear friend.  I know my time will come, but The times, they're a changing, and my little heart just needs some time to catch up.

Sincerely,
Your single friend.