I went to visit Emma in Klamath Falls in the winter of 2013. She was going to school down at OIT. I was going crazy in my little town of Monmouth, and I needed to get over the mountains, to breathe the clean, cool air and see ponderosas and crush snow with my fingers until they turned numb.
It was snowing then, and I puttered my way there in Steve, my 1985 Ford Tempo. Everyone marvelled that I still drove him, and people often asked me why I didn't scrap him and buy another car. I would shrug and think why bother getting another when the old wasn't broke yet?
The fog broke somewhere before Oakridge, and I could see the stars again. It felt like I had been under a fog for quite some time, but I breathed in clarity at last and revelled in the feeling of no weight pressing on my mind. It had been a long and confusing winter. I had lost sight of my dream. I knew something was missing in all the mess of worship leading and church and people that I couldn't love the way that I wanted. All I wanted was someone who knew me, whose presence I could stretch out in and be myself, with whom I could talk and dream and not worry about perceptions. I thought then that I missed Emma... Which I did, but that ache proved to be a foreshadowing of a need far greater.
We sat on the living room floor with a bag of peanut M&M's. I told her about everything, about how clouded I felt, how I wasn't sure that being a nurse was the dream I really held but was pouring my time and money out on. How I couldn't sleep at night for fear that this endless routine I felt was all there was.
She was quiet for a time, as best friends sometimes are, thinking.
"Hey... Why don't we go to Australia? You know, like Elle did. We always dreamed we would travel together...."
That was the day it all began. That was the day I started dreaming again. And that was almost two years ago. It's been a journey since then, don't get me wrong... a beautiful journey. These past years have been both the most tumultuous and incredible years of my life.
I left that weekend with a dream in my eye and a new spring in my step, even though deep down I knew that moving wouldn't help with the fact that I felt like I still didn't fit right, like I was trying too hard to obtain the perfect Christian life that I knew didn't exist, at least not in the way that I was trying to understand it. That was a hard year for me... I was leading worship, but missing the romance with the One whom I was singing to, the romance that proved to be the thing that changed everything. I was trying to be happy and serve everyone else, but my own heart was dying of neglect and depression reigned in my soul, something that wrapped itself around my joy like poison and I felt from knowing that I was missing something.
The obvious solution to my identity crisis was definitely not buying a one way ticket to Oz. I never thought I'd come here, let alone stay here for so long and grow to love it as I have. Never did I hear the divine call of the Lord over this mission, not once did I ask Jesus whether or not leaving home and coming here was a good idea. Emma said, "Australia?" and I said, "Um...alright."
I knew I had to go, somehow, knew that He had promised to be my home forever, no matter where I roamed. I knew He wanted to stretch me, my perception of Him and my world of thought. I often asked Him, "will I ever be able to change the world like I want?" So He showed me the world.
And oh, I almost forgot... I'm six weeks away from coming back home.
Six weeks until I get on a plane and leave the family that I've grown to love more than anything. Six weeks until I have to say goodbye to a country that holds part of my heart and always will. Six months until my heart that's torn in two rips a little bit more.
If there's one thing I could share with you, beloved, from this journey, one thing I could infuse into your spirit that you would never forget, one thing I could give to you freely so that you wouldn't have to go through the pain of the process yourself, is that you don't have to be afraid.
My life used to be full of fear. Fear of other people leaving me alone, fear that I was too much, fear that I couldn't be as close to Jesus as others said they were, fear that if I jumped into the unknown, I would fall and everyone would say, "I told you so," fear that if I really cried our to be saved from myself, I would be met by raw, blistening silence.
There's a lot of fear in us, though we mask it over and over with silly excuses and remedy it with one liners like, "Jesus said not to worry." We start to fear that we are alone. We wonder what the person next to us is thinking when we start to really be moved by God but are afraid to show it in any way that seems out of the norm. And we wonder if it will ever be different than this, an endless cycle of fear that keeps our company locked down here, not up there, where we belong.
I often long for escape from myself, from my own mind that holds me down in the realm of the possible. What would life be like if I would live in Him every moment, thinking and breathing and moving with Him? It is not impossible to be free, as I once thought. In the end, it's all about being more free, as free as we want to be. We were born to love each other. We were born to love the One who first loved us, to give ourselves completely to something, to be consumed by something greater than ourselves.
If there was one thing I wish you knew, its that you don't have to be afraid to be you. Be loud, be quirky, be strange. Ask the questions that are awkward and unanswered. Sing loudly and/or off-key to a song no one's heard but you. Laugh uncontrollably or cry until there are no more tears, both for the same reason: just because you need to. You are surrounded by people who desperately need you to be unlocked so that they can be given permission to do the same. Don't look at anyone else to see who they are and copy that. You are a unique expression of God's word, His light and laughter, and He has something He wants to speak through you. Don't criticize yourself because of where other's are at. You have treasure inside that weary heart of yours, treasures, treasure that's buried under years of pain and people telling you to tone yourself down to match the mold. Treasure that is the most precious thing in the universe, so much that the Father gave his lifeblood for it.
You see, in the end, all that matters is your heart. He looks at what's under all the faces we put on and calls what's at the core of us out. He allows space for us to grow, honors us for who we will be, and loves us so we can stretch out and be us.
He is the greatest treasure we could ever find or own or possess. I cherish the wind of His whisper, even the hint of His being around me, the thought of Him thinking of me. I feel Him now, these days, more strong in me than ever. And I love Him so much... More than I could ever write in lifetimes of books.
I feel the resistance...
But I am not afraid.
and I will not be turned away.
Love,
B
