Song of the Sea

I saw the sea today. It sang to me, a sweet haunting lull that drowned out the rain's rhythm. The sun danced on my skin. The wind hurt my ears and whipped my hair and made my eyes shine. They had seen some dull days, but the light filled them again like liquid gold that dripped down into my bones and told me it would not be dark again.

I will come when you call, Oh Great Love.

Grandpa wore a hat that made him look like John Paul Jones, and I giggled when he exchanged a jab with Grandma as they chipped mussels off the wet rock, slippery with seaweed. Mom and Dad were bundled against the wind, their lumpy jackets and mismatched colors bold against the green-brown. I felt joy bubble in my chest. It was a beautifully new feeling.

Truly, I thought. I have a good and faithful inheritance.

There had been so many empty words. They are hardly comfort for someone who has lost her joy. The earth was full of them. The road had been strewn with bones and smelled of death. The Enemy told me I would die too. Soon. Not only my body, but my very spirit. Who I was and would be will wither under endless night. The darkness spoke and blinded my eyes so I could not see. I had forgotten the smell of the sea, the cleansing of the gray raging beauty. In that moment, I could hear the sound of faint weeping. That's Him, I realized. He suffered too.

(Even to your old age, I am He, 
And even to gray hairs, I will carry you!
I have made, and I will bear,

Even I will carry, and will deliver you.)

(Is. 46:14)

As a woman thinks in her heart, so she is, and I had been locked in a cage of fear. He desired truth in the inward parts, and He was removing fear. Fear of being opposed. Fear of being oppressed. Fear of what people would think when they saw His glory. What took its place was freedom. To live boldly, to live with love in my heart and a song on my tongue. I had longed for this. 

(If I doubled your trials, would you still be patient?)

Only if you double my love. And You always do. I want to know Your love more.

(Do not worry about tomorrow, for it will have enough trouble. Think only of this moment. Of the sun filtered through the trees and the sound of quiet and your own hand creating new thoughts and giving heed to wisdom. You do not have to live in fear, you know. You can live free and wild. I do not hurry, and neither should you need to. All my purposes will be finished and complete, but maybe not the time that you think, maybe it will take longer. Maybe it will be shorter. But trust me. I know you. I know you, Beloved. You have my permission to rest. To be you. To dance and sing and sometimes remain quiet and listen to what I have to say. I will give you all you need. Only rest.)

The sea sang her song. I let the notes kiss my face and I joined in.

Traveller's Eyes

The first rain of fall was pattering on the roof and shimmering in the air.

I poured my coffee and wrote. The feel of the pen across the thick page, crisp like the air, felt good. I could see yellow out the window. Peace was on the air. It tasted better than I could have imagined.

It felt like I had come home from a long journey. Everything smelled different, looked different. I saw everything with weary traveller's eyes, but they were my own. And so was this place, this place of cozy fires and warm coffee and misty chill. It was good to breathe. And it was good to feel home.

Sometimes we lose ourselves in the wild river of Life that seemed to always be moving. I knew I had. It was like I had gone back nine months in time and all of a sudden, He had redeemed everything and I stood, empty-handed before the Lover. But though I had nothing, I could hear Him singing over me. Songs of hope. Sweet, blessed hope that men would give everything for.

Instead of going to school, I went fishing with Dad up in the mountains. The hike was hard. My legs trembled. I felt weak and small, there in the green and blue and brown. I caught ten fish to Dad's seven. He called me the fish guru. I breathed in clear air and felt some rest. It had been a long time. This is where I belonged, I knew in my heart. The mountains always accepted wanderers, though they might toss them around a little bit.

I had felt so much guilt. I sat on the couch the night before with Mother and tearfully admitted that I felt wrong in everything I did, and everything I was. And she looked me in the eye and cried. But He BLED! He died! No one else would ever do that. He called you lovely, never guilty again.

How had I forgotten? In all the mess of things... How I had forgotten the faithfulness of the One who had loved forever?

Do you know about the Love that is above every other? The Love that demands all, but gives everything? The Love that pulses through your veins, as deep as it is high? Come to Love, sit with Him and tell Him of your heart. He longs to know you, as you long to know the mystery of the glorious unknown in the depths of your heart. 

I guess you could say Love has changed me again. We're all on a journey of change. It's a beautiful thing, if you can see it that way. Letting Love change you might be the best thing about life. I know it is for me.

Oh God, teach me to be loved, deeply and radically and desperately loved until it can't be contained in my body, until every thought is love. Teach me to wait, that every day would bring only the thought of today's beauty, not the pain of memory or the uncertainty of tomorrow. Teach me to love righteousness and purity. Show me the beauty of the Ages, the deep beauty hidden for the children to find in their laughter, the strong pull of the Spirit who moves my heart and mind and body to love and believe again.

May you know Love today.

All my love,

B

September Salve

Like a salve on my wounded heart.

That's the best way I can explain what I feel, as I sit here in awe of it. It's more peaceable than any earthly thing you could extrapolate out of your intelligent mind regarding peace, sweeter than a feeling you could ever imagine having would be, and more steady than what piddly, wobbly thing you thought it was to be unchanging.

It's just Him.

You're breaking off the chains,

You're breaking off the fear,

You're breaking off the disappointment of the seasons,

When I thought Youd left me,

You're never gonna leave.

Everything is different, somehow, and I do not pretend to be a knowledgeable theologian about such matters, but I will say that something has shifted in the deep part of things. It will prove to change everything else about me.

If I did not die, then the wine would not be poured out.

If I did not die, I would stay old and decaying forever.

But I did die. And I was crucified with Christ.

Is this what it feels like to be raised with Him?

I thought I would lose part of myself if I let go. That was a lie. You must lose your life to find more of it. You find your life, you cannot be concerned about saving it. You must die to live.