L I M B O

It's a strange feeling, being up in the air. There is no time, no structure. Even day and night are warped, time-lapsed mutations of normalcy. Limbo Land, it should be called. I imagine the writer of Inception got his idea from being on a plane and waking up to a makeup plastered hostess asking him if he wanted champagne or peanuts or whatever they serve on first class.

I used to feel like I had no place up here. I felt lost, like my mind was drifting somewhere in the fifth dimension like a price of lint floating in the dusty living room Saturday morning. I don't feel like that now. Not so lost in limbo land... Or at least not so uncomfortable with it. I used to be unable to sit in my seat without thinking of my destination. "If only I would get there already," I'd think moronically.

Really, limbo land removes your consciousness temporarily of where you are in the span of your life, or maybe the part of your brain responsible for the awareness of time and space just starts to short circuit when you get up closer to the Moon. I sleep for two hours and wake up to find the sun rising, or conversely, sleep for nine and wake to find night. I imagine that when we land, anything could have changed. It could be 2010 and maybe we time warped accidentally and I'm actually 17 and I have never even heard of Australia besides Finding Nemo. Maybe everything will become the inverse of itself and I will be going home to Sydney instead of Oregon. Maybe I'm never going to land, stuck up here in a brilliant, fluffy orange and pink dream (minus the leg cramps). It could be I forget, somehow, in short bursts, where it is I am going and where it is that I have been. How long has it been since we've left Earth? I don't know, for it all seems to turn into this dastardly, never-ending flight that spans your whole life but breaks itself up to appear in bursts of transition. It's like time simply had its own way with matter up here, manipulating it as it wants.

I cried when we lifted off the ground and I saw the earth that I loved slipping away from my sight. I never thought it was possible to love a land so much. She's beautiful, you see. She changes people, the Great Southland of the Holy Spirit. God uses her bright beaches and her stormy skies and her red lands to remind us that life is not to be planned, it's to be lived. To be savoured. She helped me love again. He used her to help me feel again. I never wish to be apart from her...

I cannot fear the coming seasons or the things I must face, for even in the warp of time and space, the land between lands, the air where no man really dwells and yet seems to dwell perpetually, He lives, and He does not change as our fickle hearts do, but is faithful to the end of days. He is here, but He is also in You, as He promised from the very beginning. He is closer than the hand on your face, closer to you than your own mind and your own heart. He will stand with you if you will ask Him, He will help you to stand to your feet and fight darkness with love and the light that you hold inside. He will help you to sing the songs that tear down strongholds and make new life spring up from what once was dead.

...Even if you're in Limbo Land.

F A M I L Y

It was a Friday, the day I came home to Sydney. I left Bangkok, two days after I had said goodbye to Emma and watched her get on a plane to Oregon, where I had planned to go not a few months before. I wondered what I was doing, exactly. Following a whisper... it seemed a little silly now. I had no money left, no plan, nothing to fall back on. All I had was what I had in my backpack, and quite literally, a few dollars in my pocket.

The plane dipped below the clouds and I caught my breath, the same way I do every time I see her skyline. "She's beautiful," I thought. It was rainy that day, and gray, smack dab in the middle of the June winter. I didn't care. I had had quite enough of equatorial thunderstorms and humidity, drinking only bottled water and sleeping in a different bed every night.

I wandered hopelessly around the Queen Victoria Building trying to find an ATM so I could buy a bus ticket to Lane Cove. I imagine people felt quite sorry for me, a frumpy looking backpacker, obviously fresh off the plane and extremely immune to fashion sense. I got home to Jaimee and Gavin's house, greeted a squealing and wriggling Tyson (the cutest and most human like Staffie I've ever met). I took a shower. And I wrote.

I spent most of my time with Jay in those days, my first friend in Sydney and the door God had opened for me to come here. I had met him through Instagram about six months before, and Emma and I ended up staying at his house when we first came through Sydney on our way up the East Coast. Turns out He loved Jesus. A lot. He became my greatest asset in adjusting to life in the city, and a voice of wisdom in the season of change my heart was in. We went to the Vivid Light Show in the Quay that weekend. We stayed up singing to Jesus until all hours of the night and watched the entire final season of How I Met Your Mother. He's the one who introduced me to Jubilee Church.

Jubilee proved to be the church that changed the course of my life. Not by the amazing teaching or the worship that tore the roof off, but by the family that embraced me for who I was and called me one of their own. I had been running around for quite some time, thinking that it was my responsibility to figure out life on my own, that I had to be this independent travel chick who had it all figured out. That proved to not work for me very well, and I soon came to the end of my rope and the fear that I was on my own crept into my heart.

But my Jubs family did not leave me to "sort it out on my own." They didn't watch me sink into isolation and do nothing. Sophie called me one night. She asked me why she hadn't seen me in a while. I didn't tell her at first... and then it just spilled out. She loved me, even when I didn't know how to receive real love. She called me out of my isolation and into family again. Carla invited me over and let me stay the night when it was too late to go home. She made me Rooibos tea and we talked life and the land and our futures. Paula spoke life and truth over me, and told me the things she saw in me, the things that God had put there. Jaimee and Gavan let me into their lives and their home and shared everything they had with me when I had nothing to give them.

It's always been about family. The universe was created by a family (Father, Son, Holy Spirit) so that family would cover the earth. If the Enemy can keep you out of family, then He will do everything in his power to do so, for family is where gifts grow in love, where you can truly start to see God in people, where you can come alive and be yourself.

I used to have a homeless, wandering spirit. Every time that people started to know who I really was, I would run. I came to church to take, to see what God had for me, but I would never just come to hang out, to be with people.  I wanted to be effective in the nations and carry something powerful, something that was from God, but my gifts lacked the family structure to rest and grow, so they faltered. In reality, I couldn't trust, couldn't let down my walls enough for people to see all of me because I was afraid that I wouldn't be what they were looking for. I was afraid they wouldn't care.

Here's the truth: you don't have to walk out this journey alone.

The Enemy tells us so many lies about the church and tells us we should run the other way, but here's the truth: God loves His Church. We may be imperfect at times, we may sometimes be stuck in a box of routine and some people in the Church may be extremely misled. But we are family, and no matter where we run or what we do, we cannot change that identity. Good church family is hard to find, but you're never going to find the perfect one. God gave me people that saw the gold in me and called it to the surface, and He will do the same for you. I've always said you have to go after Jesus with everything you have for yourself, but you know the second step? Surround yourself with people that will see the dreams He's given you through to the end,

I had to come halfway across the world to realize that, but you don't have to. I gave up everything and left my home to find Jesus. I told Him I would go anywhere for Him and do anything. I walked many miles and saw amazing things, beautiful things, but in the end, they were all empty without the love of family, just endless miles that reminded me I was alone. You know where He put me? In family. You know what I ended up doing? Learning how to love people.

And now I wish I could stay in this moment forever.

F A M I L Y

It's the song that moves God's heart

it's the song that lets you know that

you're ok just as you are

It's the song that will endure to the end of day

It's the song that melts the darkness

and drives away all hint of sadness

Oh, I will sing this song forever.

 

All my love,

 

B