Dark, Doubt and Darkness (...And then Light)

The winters were cold. The cold was not the kind that was a nuisance, it was the kind that invaded your core and very bones and made you wish firewood were not such a pain to find. On clear days you could see the mountain looming above, treacherous and ominous, a silent giant. The forest was dark and cold. All sorts of strange things resided within its borders. On the dry days you could layer up and walk to the river, or maybe down to the railroad tracks. The snows hadn't come yet, but when they did, it was well known that no more strangers wandered through town when the roads became white.

But it wasn't the snows or the forest or the mountain or even running out of firewood that the people feared. 

It was the fear of no escape.

Some turned to alcohol. The drink tamed the dark, numbing the emptiness of a life without sunshine. Some turned to the drugs. They were everywhere, and innocence without knowledge soon turned to a stupor that lasted until death. But no matter what they did, they knew they couldn't escape.

Mother was sick. She couldn't write anymore. She could still make a pot of coffee and a sandwich, but the doctor said soon she would lose the use of her hands. It was becoming harder to remember the days without sickness, without the dark. They seemed a far-off dream, never to return. Memories hung like doors in the fog, facets of light that flashed before my mind's eye.

Swinging on the old swing under the oak tree.

Feeding the baby chicks in the barn.

Potatoes frying in a pan in the morning.

Mother playing her guitar and singing.

Sometimes the dark grabbed me by the throat and I could do nothing but gasp in desperation. The doubt cried out against the truth that sat deep within. I could not push the evil aside or fight it with indifference. The preacher man who came to town every month said blessed was the man who trusted in The Lord. But what about the things that clutched at my soul? What about the torment I felt every night as I went to sleep? I had searched everywhere for a place to let my confusion and depression flee, but I had become numb, lost in self and routine. So many hurts deep down, and I felt fear. I could taste it.

But the old mind could only last so long before it melted before the heat of the All-Consuming Fire. It is only love that can drive out hate, light that will drive away darkness, good that will overcome evil at last. And the battle was won when a Jewish man died on a cross many centuries before.

So I threw myself into Love Himself, for I knew in my very soul of souls that Love was the only way to be whole again. The darkness would do everything in its power to keep me from being free. But He was my refuge. He was my strength. When I started to worry, and my heart became heavy with the things that plagued me, I felt His Spirit gently calling me to come away. Once I started to dwell on Him, on His great Love, all other things started to fade. All other loves, all other dark passions I could run after, they would never satisfy me as His Love did. Only His love drove out the fear in me, only His love reached into the innermost places of my heart. Only His love set me free.

I once thought that the greater the fear, the harder it was for Him to conquer. The more something tormented me, the more He was powerless to do anything. But praise be to His Holy Name, the greater the fear, the more His love triumphs!! He is capable of removing any stain, any injury, any hurt.

I began to taste what life was like without the burden of worry, of vanity. And it was glorious, this freedom! He knew my heart. He knew my every need and what I hungered for. He knew every worry and fear in my heart. He said, "My peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you, not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, nor let it be afraid."

And I yearned to be with Him, in His peace. Because I was in love with Him. I prayed he would come ever nearer, that I would forget everything else in the whole world but Him. All He ever wanted to do was take away my fear, to dwell in me. When the doubt comes, when the darkness is overwhelming, it is His Love that breaks through.

The darkness was not gone from the sky, but it was gone from my heart forever.

Do not fear,

Zion, let not your hearts be weak.

The Lord Your God is in your midst.

The Mighty One will save,

He will rejoice over you with gladness.

He will quiet you with His love.

He will rejoice over you with singing.