Asking For More

"It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

-C.S. Lewis

Well, the day is finally here. I have successfully procrastinated writing anything at all for the past three months until finally, I am forced to write, for if I wait any longer, you will be completely lost as to what has happened to my life, and that would not be at all productive for the linear thinking of a blog. I address this because I think that the next time I write, I will not be quite the same. But before I make any scary assertions, let me explain.

Somehow, being 20 isn't exactly how I pictured it would be. Looking forward to the "decade of adulthood," I imagined myself drinking Ethiopian coffee and travelling the world. I imagined myself discussing philosophy with passion and drinking fine wine (never mind I am still not 21).  I imagined that I would be knowledgeable about things like investing, relationships, temptation, the shades of gray that make up the bigger portion of the world in which I live. I imagined the woman I would be: beautiful, mature, discerning, and happily living in the plan of the Father for her life, which I somehow imagined I would be knowledgeable of.

I will save you from unnecessary details, but being an adult is not what I expected. I have been pulled, stretched, and other uncomfortable verbs associated with growth. I feel like my soul is a 14-year-old teenage boy going through puberty; it's an awkward and sometimes humiliating experience. Cynicism aside, the reality of 20-year-old life is that coffee makes me irritable, wine makes me sleepy, travelling costs a lot of money, and relationships are hard work, no matter which way you throw the chips. I still really wish I knew what the Lord had planned for the next few years of my life. I often act like I am a child simply because I am tired of being a grown-up. Instead of the patience that I seek so avidly, I find myself at my wit's end more often than I'd like to admit. Reality is this: I still don't have it figured out. 

But let me get to the point. Today a new chapter of my life begins. Today I am embarking on a journey. For two weeks, my dear friend Mackenzie and I will travel to Redding, California and learn to worship in Spirit and in Truth from church leaders at Bethel Church. Though it is only for the next two weeks, I feel in my Spirit that when I return, I shall never again be the same. To quote a dear friend, "it is the feeling that you know you are going to go through a process that remains unclear and undefined, because God is a mysterious God and He loves giving surprises." 

Anticipating what will happen in my heart these next few weeks, something in me comes alive. I feel the Lord preparing me, calling me, slowly pulling me toward him. I laugh more, not just aloud, but in my heart. I feel as if I am slowly waking up, as if I had been in a dream. His Presence has been steady, there when I wake up in the morning and remaining when I go to bed at night. I want to stretch every moment of each day and savor each detail, pick it up, hold it in my hands and make it last just a little bit longer. Life is beautiful. And worship school hasn't even started yet. 

My conclusion is this: I think that in the past, I have asked for too little from the Lord. It is as if He is my bank account, which can only clear so many checks before it runs out of funds. But to our Father, we are sons, sharing in the endless inheritance of the Father. I have unlimited resources available to me as a daughter of God; I am spiritually a billionaire! I have a feeling that he is wanting me to ask for more knowledge and more of His Spirit, just so He can shower it upon me! I embark upon this journey knowing that there is room for so much more of His Spirit in my life, and I welcome Him. I want all of God and all that comes with Him.
Here goes nothing...

To You,

Lord Jesus Christ

Who in grace and mercy have,

by the Holy Spirit

and

through the eternal Word

taught my souls to sing,

my heart to obey

and my spirit to soar,

as songs, strength and power

have been found

in worship

before You

at the right hand of 

the Father's throne.

-Jack Hayford